My Dog: The Zombie…?

I have a dog. He’s pretty damned old. And I mean that. Like, goddamned old. Of an age that many a younger, healthier, better dog than he has died from merely contemplating. As of April, he will be about 20 years old. And in dog years, that’s what’s professionally known as “f*cking old”.

He should, by all rights, be dead. He’s blind, arthritic, increasingly deaf, nearly toothless, and is working his hardest to embody the very definition of “insolent old arse” (for more on the douche baggery of my puppy, see here. He’s largely incontinent, although it is generally understood in my family that this is less of a medical condition and more a side effect of the “insolent old arse” condition. He’s always been a big fan of using the gifts god gave him – specifically, his bodily functions – to demonstrate annoyance, anger, sadness, loneliness, or plain ol’ douche baggery. We are of the mind that he has simply now adopted an attitude of “yeah, I shat myself, right here on the carpet. I’m f*cking old. What are you gonna do, you cowardly little shit? That’s right, you’re gonna get right down on your hands and knees and clean that turd up, because I’m f*cking old.”

It’s surprisingly effective – to my knowledge, in every instance we have done just that.

A shout out…

Just felt it was important that I give a holler to those people who found my blog by accident after typing in what are probably two of my new favourite search terms: “immanent zombie apocalypse [sic]” and “zazi zombies”.

I like zazi zombies in particular: like a combination of zesty and snazzy – zazi! So these would probably be the zombies who are sashaying down the street wearing sparkly tops and crinoline frills, with ribbons in their hair.

Those things may eat your skin, man, but they eat your skin with style.

Also it put me in mind of Zazu, the little Dodo bird from the Lion King. If he were to be attacked by a zombie I think he definitely would have become a zazi zombie. No question.

Zaz on, my loving lovlies; zaz right on…

The zombies, they love that “UNCE-UNCE-UNCE” sound…

I know that it’s been a while. A long while. There were some computer issues, and then an imposing review board, and then I had to move house, and then I had to ensure that my zombie survival plan was up to date with my new living accommodations, and then I had to check that my new flatmates weren’t zombies, and then I had to go to London, and then I had to fly to Toronto, and then back, and then there was a summer of Fringe activities… etc, etc, etc. A busy time is a stressful time, and stressful times detract from my heightened zombie-awareness state of mind, making me think about other, more mundane, and much less un-dead things.

Fortunately, I now have a new thought to put to you regarding the preparation for, and survival of, the imminent zombie apocalypse. Okay, so I didn’t have any new thoughts, but then I took a break and spoke to my most trusted advisor (aka my little brother), and we brainstormed. And now I have SEVERAL such ideas, which I shall dole out to you piecemeal, in order to increase your expectation for the next, and ever more brilliant, post.

When the music stops…

It is a well known fact (as of right now) that 98.9% of my hits come from people searching for information about Nazi Zombies. It is also a well known fact (or was as of some d-bag’s comments on this post) that Nazi Zombies are so central to the pop culture consciousness due to their centrality to a particular video game (according to the commenter, one “Call of Duty 5 For XBox,” or something of the nature).

And it would seem (according to my astonishing use of Google) that Nazi Zombies have been ever so egregiously left out of another video game whose release is (seemingly) immanent. Which means that the frequency of people entering the search term “Nazi Zombies” in some form or another and finding their way (through the no doubt several pages of Google results that appear before this blog is even considered) to Neighbourhood Zombie Watch is relatively high.

Finally, the validation I so deeply crave…

I have never had a good relationship with mathematics. I’m not sure whether it stems from the emotional and psychological abuse inflicted on me by a certain asshole middle-school mathematics teacher (with his oily sneer and his Ned Flanders moustacherino), but I have a strong inkling that it might have. Or from the fact that I’ve never been good at figuring out those silly little code-breaking formulas and shit.

Anyway, the point is that I always figured myself the last person on earth likely to thank mathematics for anything. Even if I ever decided to buy that Chippy Truck that I was forced to hypothetically mortgage back in grade 10, I certainly wouldn’t thank math for the “privilege” of thinking myself in circles over interest rates and payment plans. I certainly don’t think I’d ever thank math for revealing to me the nature of the rate of decay for radioactive materials: at 14, did I need to know that the stuff practically never, ever goes away? No, I did not. But thanks to math, I did, and it kept me awake at nights, frantically reviewing old Cold-War duck and cover films for tips and over-cheery, unrealistic assurances of safety.

However, here I am about to admit my own wrongs. I was wrong. Mathematics is not all annoying useless bunk. Mathematics is the greatest thing that humanity has ever produced. Mathematics is my new religion (sorry, Jesus). That’s because, thanks to mathematics (see, I said it!) our world governments have been warned well in advance of the absolutely ruthless approach they will have to take to the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse: CHECK IT.

Zombies on teh Innanetz?

Hello all (and even a few sundry, perhaps)!

Well, I have discovered something of late. I have discovered that people cannot get over the idea of Nazi Zombies. Srsly, ppl. I know, I know, “they’s in teh video games! blah blah blah” – but you’d think that having the opportunity to maim, mutilate, and dismember them in a virtual format would act as an exorcism of people’s mass cultural anxiety. And yet, no. From the time I first wrote about Nazi Zombies several months ago until now, the majority of my visitors (aside from my loyal readers and the few stragglers who are obsessed with the elderly, of course) come as a direct result of typing the words “Nazi Zombies” into their chosen search engine.

Well, that’s not entirely fair. Some rather inventive fellow went so far as to type “nazi zombies world’s gonna die”, which I felt was rather specific but also not entirely off the mark. And the most recent comment – by far my favourite – warns of the folly of obsessing over the Zombie Apocalypse in the shadow of the Biblical Apocalypse. So, if you’re more interested in saving your soul than saving your pancreas, by all means direct your attention to Douglas at the bottom of the comments posted on “Heil Zombies“!

You think you know me? You have no idea..

Yeah yeah, pig flu pandemic. Mysterious deaths, panicking people, diseases spreading rampantly unchecked across the populations of the world, etc, etc, etc…

And of course I know what everyone would expect of me. I mean, I am writing one of many zombie blogs. One of the possibly millions of zombie blogs out there on the innanetz. And naturally, a good 93% of those millions of blogs are going to focus on the connection between this pandemic and the ultimate pandemic which we all fear, the pandemic that will inevitably lead to the zombie apocalypse.
Sure, many zombie blogs will probably follow a reasoning that goes something like this: “the swine flu pandemic is a cover story for the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, keeping as many people away from Mexico as possible as the undead rise and gnaw the various limbs of their living counterparts. We must prepare for the onslaught that we will not be able to avoid, as the armies of man fall beneath their rotting feet.” Still others might go for the ol’ “the mountains of the victims of swine flu will stir when mankind is at its weakest; in our darkest hour the dead will come upon us and those who are not killed in the first wave will be forced to watch as the world falls around us” bit.

But can we look at the facts, honestly, people?

Poor, Pathetic Zombie Ignorance…

For some interesting fun, why not check out the recent comment which was submitted in response to the post “Heil Zombies…?”.

All that it says to me is that a) I have actual readers!! ZOMGZ D00D!! and also that b) apparently the makers of Call of Duty 5 share my paranoid belief in the existence of zombies. And apparently they have better contacts, because to be honest the very possibility of Nazi Zombies threw me for a loop. I should start networking with these guys, see if they’ll give up their source.

I wonder what kind of contacts you need to develop in order to get that kind of inside information. And from inside what is the information coming? The government? It’s usually the government. I suppose you’d know what the inside was once you’d made the contacts.

New Goal: Zombie Pesticides…

It appears that I have been guilty of a certain degree of ignorant assumption. I have been writing this blog about zombies for a little while now, and I have been ranting about zombies for many a year before that. Throughout all of this, I have always made one assumption: that the zombies would be human. Or perhaps some of the larger and more vicious members of the animal kingdom (dog-zombies; zebra-zombies, or zombras… or zebbies I suppose; bear-zombies… you get the point).

The fact is, I had made a potentially fatal miscaluculation, essentially leaving my rear unguarded (hehehe, my rear is my bum). I had never considered the threat that might be posed by zombies of the bird-variety… or, god help us all… of zombie insects.

A Brief Explanation…

Regarding my previous post involving a fanciful story about an epic swordsman known as Jesus.

I feel that, for the more religious minded of you, I should explain. This story was initially in no way related to the trend of “Zombie Jesus” jokes circulating the webcomic circuit, sparked by the Christian belief in Jesus’s resurrection after crucifixion.

It is inspired by a society which used to practice what appeared to be medieval, or at least very very old, fighting styles (often in full costume) outside of my flat window.