Finally, the validation I so deeply crave…

I have never had a good relationship with mathematics. I’m not sure whether it stems from the emotional and psychological abuse inflicted on me by a certain asshole middle-school mathematics teacher (with his oily sneer and his Ned Flanders moustacherino), but I have a strong inkling that it might have. Or from the fact that I’ve never been good at figuring out those silly little code-breaking formulas and shit.

Anyway, the point is that I always figured myself the last person on earth likely to thank mathematics for anything. Even if I ever decided to buy that Chippy Truck that I was forced to hypothetically mortgage back in grade 10, I certainly wouldn’t thank math for the “privilege” of thinking myself in circles over interest rates and payment plans. I certainly don’t think I’d ever thank math for revealing to me the nature of the rate of decay for radioactive materials: at 14, did I need to know that the stuff practically never, ever goes away? No, I did not. But thanks to math, I did, and it kept me awake at nights, frantically reviewing old Cold-War duck and cover films for tips and over-cheery, unrealistic assurances of safety.

However, here I am about to admit my own wrongs. I was wrong. Mathematics is not all annoying useless bunk. Mathematics is the greatest thing that humanity has ever produced. Mathematics is my new religion (sorry, Jesus). That’s because, thanks to mathematics (see, I said it!) our world governments have been warned well in advance of the absolutely ruthless approach they will have to take to the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse: CHECK IT.

I feel both validated and terrified.

Read it. READ IT ALL. Well, I suppose you don’t need to know about Professor Robert Smith?’s personal issues with members of the Cure, but you would be well advised to read all of the relevant points.

WAIT. I can do you one better. Since you are unlikely to have noticed the link at the side of the webpage directing you to the Zombie Study, allow me to call your attention to it: CLICK THIS DAMNED LINK (and when you do, please note that it is a Canadian study. That’s right, Canadians are awesome, and it seems as though they alone will survive the onslaught of the undead hordes. When things start to get nasty, I am hightailing it home).

Now, I know that not everyone wants to read through the mathematical jargon and stuff (I’m practically not even physically capable of doing so). But look at the graphs! LOOK AT FIGURE 3! “Basic model outbreak scenario. Susceptibles are quickly eradicated and zombies take over, infecting everyone” (Munz, Hudea, Imad, et al. 139). Is this, or is it not, what I have been warning global leaders about for the last three years? Since this blog isn’t that old yet, you’ll have to trust me that it is. And if they had even bothered to look out the window of their presidential cavalcade and READ my sandwich board before having me tackled by the Secret Service then this might not come as a surprise. But now I have mathematics on my side:

“If the timescale of the outbreak increases, then the result is the doomsday scenario: an outbreak of zombies will result in the  collapse of civilisation, with every human infected, or dead” (Munz, Hudea, Imad, et al. 146)

You might be thinking “Oh but don’t worry, we will manage to contain this crisis, just as we did so successfully with Swine Flu and many other major catastrophic epidemics.” Well I would ask you to please move your attention to the graphs in Figs. 5 and 7.

NO. We will not. Which maybe shouldn’t come as a shock considering that Swine Flu has been so unsuccessfully contained that we are no longer capable of even identifying the difference between a person exhibiting the H1N1 virus and a person exhibiting symptoms of anything else.

The inevitable has just been confirmed as such.

“Oh, oh!” You’ll go, “but we came up with a cure for Swine Flu. We’ll soon be curing everyone and everything will be fine!” To you I say: Figure 9, bitch! Also, to my knowledge we’ve not yet come up with a cure for Swine Flu. We’ve come up with a vaccine. And it only took us about three months (which, if you think about what’s involved, is damned quick and the scientists deserve props for their brilliancy). BUT, if you’ve read the study you’ll have seen the part where they establish that they are working off of a short time line. Would we have time to develop a vaccine or a cure, especially if the Zombie Apocalypse extended from a viral epidemic that wasn’t relatively similar to other viruses that we’ve encountered before? I don’t think so. And more importantly, according the this study, it wouldn’t even matter.

Regarding perhaps the most important idea of the article, allow me to draw your attention to a few key points which, I think, should be highlighted and implemented as government policy by every leader of every country in the world.

“We show that only quick, aggressive attacks can stave off the doomsday scenario: the collapse of society as zombies overtake us all” (Munz, Hudea, Imad, et al. 133)

“An outbreak of zombies infecting humans is likely to be disastrous, unless extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead. While aggressive quarantine may eradicate the infection, this is unlikely to happen in practice. A cure would only result in some humans surviving the outbreak, although they will still coexist with zombies. Only sufficiently frequent attacks, with increasing force, will result in eradication” (Munz, Hudea, Imad, et al. 146).

“A zombie outbreak is likely to lead to the collapse of civilisation, unless it is dealt with quickly… the most effective way to contain the rise of the undead is to hit hard and hit often“ (Munz, Hudea, Imad, et al. 146, my emphasis).

The conclusion to this highly informative study reeks of truth. It is up to you to face the facts (which they are now, since math says so), and begin preparation. Keep in mind that your particular namby-pamby government may not be able to man up and do what is necessary. In that case, it will be up to you. Will you be able to shoot your Mum in the face, should she become a zombie? Maybe not. So you need to make pacts with people you don’t like: you shoot my Mum, I’ll shoot yours. If you have a partner, consider shooting each others’ in-laws as a given scenario.

We’ve been right all along, and now mathematics has joined our ranks. If Professor Robert J. Smith? could justbring science along, we might have some kind of chance.

Hit them hard; hit them often….