Recently, I stumbled across the official website for the Federal Vampire and Zombie Association, or FVZA. Their zombie home page greeted me with what I felt was a curious message, which I quote for you now:
Not many people are aware of the risk involved when encountering a zombie. Your loss will be much greater than anything you can lose casino gambling or playing dangerous sports. A zombie can not only cause you physical injuries they can also damage your mental health. Please read more about zombies to help minimize your risk of injury if you do come in contact with one. Fighting zombies is risky business, like playing poker. You don’t want to be caught off guard while you play casino games. See how you can protect yourself or risk losing it all!
Now, this website offers substantial evidence of its expertise and reliability in its collection of useful pages, such as information on zombie biology, mythology, history, and sociology. It’s essentially like two years of secondary education utterly devoted to zombies. I find it highly unlikely that such a deep mine of brilliantly dazzling knowledge and dazzling knowledge-related brilliance would compose such a bizarrely worded communication to the world wide web. The whole thing reads like the unwanted baby of a one night stand between a highly respected Zombiologist and a leaky spam filter. So what gives?
A message: a secret, encoded message. Now, not being a professional code-breaker I can only speculate as to its true meaning, but given the obvious prevalence of words referring to gambling or related activities I suspect that the author of this website has discovered the infiltration of the gambling community by the living dead.
The days when losing your house and your family was the worst-case scenario are over, pal.
Consider, for example, the final lines: “You don’t want to be caught off guard while you play casino games. See how you can protect yourself or risk losing it all!” It seems the zombies have devised a devious method of creeping their way into a reliable food source. As the FVZA’s database points out, zombies “show a surprising adaptability when it comes to hunting. Contrary to popular opinion, they are observant, fast learners.” As the global community has become increasingly connected via the internet, our understanding of zombies and our awareness of the very real threat that they pose has no doubt infringed upon the lifestyle and food supply of the undead hordes.
However, the internet has also encouraged the rise of online gambling, sparking a growth in cases of gambling addiction. The effects of gambling addiction are serious, and similar to any drug or alcohol addict, gambling addicts often find themselves losing everything, including the kitchen sink. If my amateur interpretation of this mysterious communique is correct, then there can be no doubt that zombies are luring hapless gambling addicts into fatal bets and, either by trickery or coercion, luring them into situations where they risk losing not only their wallets but also their pancreas.
Casinos: overpriced beer is no longer your biggest concern
I urge you now to be vigilant; online casino pop-up ads have always been a nuisance, but their presence could be indicative of a threat much more dangerous than that of computer viruses. If you or someone you love take part in online gambling, and if you think you may be, or know someone who may be, at risk of falling prey to this zombie scheme, please contact your nearest gambling addiction helpline, and babble incoherently into the phone about the looming zombie apocalypse and the role that online gambling plays until men in white lab coats show up and shoot you with a tranquilizer dart.
A padded cell is probably the safest place to be, anyway.
